Have you ever wanted something and believed that no matter what you would never be able to get what you wanted. I used to be that way, I believed that somehow my life was just so wrong, I truly believed that I would never get what I wanted. It was this type of thinking though that kept me stuck and I truly believed that I would never get out of the vicious cycle of self defeat. Until....
In May of 1999 I met a man who promised to help me to live life if I made a choice. You know making a choice was a concept that I really thought wasn't something I could do, sure you make a choice on what clothes your going to wear, what you will eat, whether to go to bed or not. These are different choices though they are choices between things you already have, or things you have to do like eat, sleep, etc... But to make a choice to live life rather then just to live the life that you have, now that is a different concept.
Now it is March of 2016, and for the upteenth time, I have come to a better understanding of what it means to choose to live life. There are still things in my past I deeply regret, things I wish would never have happened, I can't change them and I have come to accept them. The big thing is you know what it is all good even the bad because daily life changes, daily there are things that can be improved on, things that are just what they are, things that make you cry, things that make you smile, things that make you sad and things that make you happy. But it is the people around you that you feel the love, they don't make you feel loved, they freely love you so that you can feel that love no matter what.
Some would say that is a play on words and maybe it is, but if you look at the definition of certain words you will see there is just a slight difference in the connotation and the meaning in each word. I asked the question once:
Would your rather do a job well, or do a good job. You see good is an adjective it is used to describe something that doesn't really require action. But the word well is an adverb it is describing an action. For me, doing something well is important and when you only strive for something that is good enough, well then you are not getting the full benefit of life. Is there a time when good enough works of course, for me good enough changes, it is contingent upon what it is for.
Today, is a day that I can say just living is well worth making the choice of living life and not contemplating is it karma or what. Today, I feel the love that surrounds me. Today, I know I have done the best that I can do for today. Today, I know that my children, are doing what makes them happy and I am proud of them for that. Today, I know that though my methods of raising them were considered very unorthodox by many, and sometimes I believed I really was the worst kind of parent in the world because I had no clue what I was doing, that no matter what they would know I loved them. Today, I know that deciding to give marriage another try was absolutely, positively, with out a doubt, the best decision I could have made because you see, I was already, committed to a man that taught me that living life no matter what was better then believing that karma was just killing me. I am not alone today, even though I am a loner. I will never be alone again, for I have experienced a life of living. And for all the nay sayers, the ones who told me to just get over it, move on I hope that one day, you will make the choice to live life and quit accepting that life is life.
I have become a better person, because I made that choice to live life.
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